Communication
Communication. We live in an age where communication is as easy as it has ever been. I remember as a student walking to someone else’s room and leaving a note on their door when they were out or queuing to use the phone box outside the bar to ring home (showing my age here). Yet I think our ability to communicate may be as poor now as I can ever remember. Texts and emails can easily be misinterpreted and we have forsaken face to face interaction with light digital touch. I think I’ve learned a few key things over the years with regards to communication.
1. The quality of your communication is how it is received not how you delivered it.
2. Always check for understanding from the other person.
3. Do make your communication easy to receive and digestible.
4. Consider how the other person or people need to receive the information to suit them.
5. Are you in a good emotional state to send the information?
6. Is the other person in a good state to receive it?
7. Be a great listener. Be present. Reflect back what you heard.
I’m sure there are many more but a good starter.
Blame
Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash
Blame is a very destructive behaviour. It doesn’t work and creates a destructive ripple effect. Social media seems to be an incredibly good facilitator for blame so be careful who you allow into your newsfeed.
If you have a problem or something hasn’t gone the way you expect then it is common to blame someone or something initially. That is quite a normal reaction in the short term. You are distancing yourself from the negative event which is usually a good thing. We often blame ourselves for the situation or we may blame other people or even inanimate objects. But you don’t want to get stuck there.
The problem with blame is that it doesn’t solve anything. You are just moving pain around. If you are blaming yourself for something - it causes you pain. If you blame someone else for something then it will cause them pain if they accept it or cause you more pain if they don’t accept the blame. Inanimate objects can’t accept blame last time I checked so you are keeping the pain.
By staying in blame you are abdicating responsibility for solving the problem or resolving the situation. How does that really feel not to be in control of your life?
So kick blame into touch. It has no useful role. You have two choices in resolving the situation that you are in:
1) Change what is going on…. or
2) Change the meaning of what is going on.
The first option is probably the easier of the two. Can you change your actual circumstances? What needs to change? Why does this need to change? Break the process down into manageable chunks and TAKE ACTION!
Remember Einstein’s definition of insanity? : “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” So stop repeating your mistakes and blaming whoever and whatever for it. Do something different.
If it isn’t possible to change the actual circumstances then you have to change the meaning of the circumstances. What rules do you have that are causing you pain in this situation? Change the rules! They are your rules! If the situation is how it is then accept it. Look at it in a different way. What is the good in this? Will this really matter in six months time? What useful lesson am I learning here? Ask yourself quality questions and change the meaning.
When would now be a good time to stop playing the blame game.
Thank you for reading.
Comfort Zone or Comfort Spectrum?
Photo by Jukan Tateisi on Unsplash
It is a basic human need to have safety and security. We need solid foundations in our lives to function effectively. The area in which you feel this security is often referred to as a comfort zone. Everyone has a different one.
In fact, I see it more as a comfort spectrum. The further out we go the less certain we feel. There is rarely an exact line that determines the edge of our “zone”.
Equally we all have a human need for variety that counterbalances the security. If we live our lives constantly in comfort then we have too much certainty and not enough variety. This can lead to lack of motivation, boredom, lethargy or even depression. Any of these sound familiar? The really bad news is that the longer you spend solely in your comfort zone the more it will shrink. Your comfort zone is never constant. So eventually you will have a very small range of things that you feel comfortable with. Your quality of life will be poor. The quality of your life is directly proportional to the amount of variety you can comfortably tolerate.
Everything you truly want in life lies just outside your comfort zone. If you live on the edge of your zone or even step outside it, your zone will grow and you will get what you want. And so the process continues. Growth is also a fundamental human need and it is addictive. You will get into a fantastic positive feedback loop.
So how do you live at the edge of the zone or step out of it? You need to associate fully with the benefits of moving towards what you want and equally touch on the pain of not moving. You know what a confident person does with their body, focus and language. It is a recipe. If you find it hard to recall your own confident states, copy someone you know who is confident. Practise it. The edge of your zone feels uncomfortable but these techniques will help you embrace that edge.
As you expand your zone not only will it benefit you but also set a fantastic positive example to those around you.
A few lines from my favourite poem by Marianne Williamson remind me of how important this is.
"There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.....as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
So what will you do today to increase your comfort zone or comfort spectrum?
Thank you for reading.
The Tale Of Two Paths
Which path is right for you?
I was speaking with a potential coaching client recently about coaching and mentoring and about the choice that they had. We spoke about two paths.
The first path is where you take your own path and you find your way yourself. My experience of this path is that it can take a little longer. I might have to learn from a few mistakes. I might feel lonely. I might find this path doesn’t end up where I want to go. Equally there are other times when it is the right path for me, I need to make my own decisions, to listen to my own counsel and to forge ahead with what I feel is right, to have that singular focus.
The second path is the path that we could take with a coach or mentor. This is a different path. This path requires investment of time, energy and money. This second path may seem less attractive initially. Do I want to invest my money in this? Will I get the results I want? Do I even want the results I say I want? When I have committed to this path, I have company; I have found it easier, with fewer obstacles but at some point this path naturally ends and I come to two more paths again.
The two paths are different. There is no right path. You will probably get different outcomes. Typically when I choose the first path I invest more time in this path and it can have a few blind turns. The second path for me is often straighter and smoother but sometimes I experience resistance before taking the second path because I don’t know if I will get what I want. Or sometimes I don’t feel I know what I really want.
So what is the right path for you? With my potential client we discussed the options. With the first path you will probably get similar results to what you are getting now. Most of the time. Not always but mostly. The second path requires investment. Is that investment worth it? I don’t know. It is only your perception of where the two paths lead that determines the value of the second path. How different do you think it is to the first path? What is that difference worth to you?
Who should I travel the second path with? Are they the right guide for me? Is this the right time for me? What is the right time? Is there ever one? What value do I truly place on my different outcomes?
Experiencing coaching and mentoring before you choose your path can help you to understand the differences in the paths but even then there is still a substantial amount of trust and faith: in both yourself and a potential coach or mentor.
Above all I believe the secret is to choose a path. Don’t allow it to choose you. Don’t wander blindly up either one but rather be proactive in your choice. Be clear on the difference and make the best choice for you in this moment.
Otherwise you live in the land of maybe. I don’t believe you or I want to live there.
Make that powerful choice. Which path will I take?
Thankyou for reading.